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Tools for Men-with-Feminist-Ambitions
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Patriarchy frames the basic human capacity of emotional intimacy as feminine, everything associated with femininity as inferior (traditional sexism), and masculinity as the mutually exclusive opposite of femininity (oppositional sexism). Patriarchal masculinity is rooted in the rejection of anything that is deemed feminine, at the very least within ourselves. From us – the people who the world ruthlessly expects to personify patriarchal masculinity – that requires the suppression of essential parts of ourselves. Despite all the advantages that come with it, patriarchal masculinity limits what we know, say and believe, how we act and relate. It limits who we can be. Feminism can allow us to recover bits of us that we might be painfully missing.
However, we cannot ‘fight’ this with the strategies that we are used to. Because they themselves are shaped by patriarchal masculinity. We had to adopt it into our personality in order to get by in the world. It is deeply embedded in how we meet needs and expectations, and how we compensate if we can’t.
That does not mean that we are not responsible for how we affect the people and culture around us. We are. It also does not mean that we cannot change. We can. But reading or talking about certain topics, following certain rules, using a certain language, applying certain social protocols or patronising those who don’t, isn’t going to cut it. We also do not get out of this on our own, or only with the voices of people equally entrenched in patriarchal masculinity. Instead of turning against ourselves or concerning ourselves too much with who we are, we need to first turn towards others, and develop new practices to relate to them differently.
Without a doubt, your experience is not the same as mine. Patriarchal norms intersect with many factors including class, race, gender and sexuality. While some assumptions about the reader will certainly be off, there are common patterns that we absorb or resist to, each in our own unique ways.
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This book is a collection of practices that try to develop alternatives that subvert these patterns. They are collected or developed from reading and listening to feminist activists, writers and friends. I myself continue to struggle with them fundamentally. They are at odds with patriarchal masculinity and have been systematically discouraged in us, perpetuating privilege and the harm it can cause. Each chapter of this book focuses on one particular practice. The chapters are self-contained but best read in order. Each has three sections that roughly contain: 1. structural context for the given practice and why it is important, 2. examples or counterexamples, and 3. hands on steps to develop it further. The contents of this book are not meant as something to know about in theory. They are also not something to work through on your own. They are intended as interpersonal practices, to exercise in relation to others.
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